ways2work - Parents and carers
Preparing yourself emotionally
Deciding whether to return to work and leave your loved ones at home can be difficult.
And for some, your household budget may leave you feeling like you don't have much of a choice at all.
Whatever the case, it's a pretty safe bet you will be feeling the most common emotion parents and carers report at this time: guilt.
Dealing with guilt – one mum's story
Kirsten is a mum who works part-time and has two happy, enthusiastic child care goers. 'I have to drag them out of there!' she says. But looking back she says placing her first son in care was really hard to do and left her feeling extremely guilty. Read more about how one mum dealt with her guilt...
Dealing with guilt
It is not uncommon for mothers to feel intense guilt and sadness when they return to paid work and leave their children in care, particularly at the beginning. This is because they are no longer with their child all the time and feel they are missing out on their child's life.
These feelings are compounded when children display their natural separation anxiety when first separated from their parents. Read our Separation anxiety section for more information and tips for dealing with these normal reactions.
'Some women want to go back to work for their sense of identity, to feel socially connected, or to pursue career goals that they had to put on hold, and that's important too. Happier parents can parent better and that's worth something.'
You can't do everything all the time, at the same time!
Myth: I have to be a Super Mum to effectively combine work and family
Reality: Super Mum – perfectly groomed and doing it all with a career, a clean house and making a superb gourmet dinner – has always been a completely fictitious character! It is possible to combine working and parenting effectively, but you need to be easier on yourself, seek help and work co-operatively with your family. It's about priorities, time management and delegation.
According to a 2007 study, mothers are actually spending more time focussed on their children today than they did in the 1960s. While they are now doing more paid work, they're doing less housework, more multi-tasking, going out less, sleeping less, and are setting aside specific 'quality time' for their children. Over the same time fathers have tripled the time they spend focussed on their children.
But so often parents, mothers especially, feel the time they give to their children is never enough. Many mothers say they even feel guilty on their 'days off', as they have to focus on the backlog of chores and demands that have piled up while they were at work, rather than spending that time with their child.
Get support
Going back to work will effect everyone in your family and they need to share the responsibility to make it work. It’s got to be a team effort.
For more tips on working together with your family see Your home and family.
For sole parents finding support can be a challenge. You can contact:
- Council of Single Mothers and their Children on 03) 9654 0622 or 1800 077 374 (for country callers), or
- Parentline on 132 289
Planning is the key
Sally is a sole parent with a two-year-old son, Archie. She works four days a week, pays a mortgage and says planning ahead and being organised is the key.
'There's no doubt about it, my life functions better when I have planned the week ahead, and I know exactly what time I will be spending with Archie that week.
'We don't have rigid routines, but I do have time that I quarantine just for me and Archie. It helps to be able to keep that time when everything else at home is organised, and I've thought about when I'm going to do the shopping and what I'm going to cook that week.
'I know that I feel far less guilt about all the time I spend away from him when I have that quality time available with him.'
Understand the challenges and prepare for them
The more prepared you are for the changes in your life once you return to paid work, the better you'll feel about it. So here are some things you might expect:
- Leaving your child, friend or family member in someone else's care is hard. Expect to feel guilty but the more a routine is established, the better everyone will adapt and the happier you’ll all feel.
- Days off work can quickly be filled with household jobs and tasks for the family – it's not easy, but it is really important to make some time for yourself.
- If the people you care for become sick, expect to feel stressed and torn. Give some thought to the arrangements you might put in place in case of emergencies.
- If you are returning to part-time work, make sure the job isn’t a full-time one packaged as part-time. Carefully negotiate and discuss expectations with your employer so that you’re both happy and comfortable.
- Don’t apologise for having family responsibilities and commitments. The world of work is changing and Australian employers are starting to understand that they have an important role to play in helping employees acheive work life balance.
- You might also have to deal with different reactions from friends, family and acquaintances. People can be judgemental. The key is to decide what is right for you. Start a trend by supporting other people's decisions about work and family balance, even if they are different to your own!
Staying positive
Talk things through with people who will understand. With friends it's easier to feel confident that you've made the right choice. Ignore those who disapprove.
Tell Us Your Story.
We'd like to hear from you about your experiences of balancing work and family.