ways2work - Parents and carers
Separation anxiety
Separation anxiety is when babies or infants feel distress at being away from their parents or other close carers they feel safe with. Separation anxiety is normal and just about every child will experience it when placed in the care of others.
For parents, the child's separation anxiety can be the most difficult part of going back to work.
Choosing the right time to start your baby or infant in care is not always possible, but an understanding of when separation anxiety is more likely to occur can help.
Peak anxiety periods
Most experts agree that for most babies, separation anxiety peaks at around seven to eight months, when the baby makes a conscious connection with their parents, even when they are not visible. At the same time, the baby has not yet developed a concept of time and therefore does not know that the parent will return.
'It's an individual thing and some babies will be fine no matter when they start and others will always be clingy.'
Mandy believes that the most difficult settlers can be managed if the centre is flexible and responsive to individual needs. She says parents should look for a centre that doesn't have a 'one size fits all' approach, and doesn't make them feel like they are imposing if they call a lot.
'A child settles in quicker if the parent settles in.'
Mandy says that listening to parents, allowing them to feel comfortable, and getting the orientation right will eventually settle almost all babies successfully into care.
'We encourage parents to stay and play with their children especially the very first time they come in.
'We talk to the parents about what they think will work best, then have a few visits where the parent walks out of the room for five minutes and comes back so the child gets used to the parent leaving and coming back.
'It's important for the parent to begin leaving early though, as it won't work if the child thinks it's like playgroup.'
Making the transition
'You have to allow sufficient time for your child to get to know the centre and form a relationship with the staff at the centre.
'The way children do attachment relationships is by feeling secure with the primary care giver, so a gradual settling in process is important. You need at least two weeks when you are not working for this process. Don't rush it, and don't try and trick your baby by sneaking away – this will completely undermine their trust.
'It is appropriate that your baby will take time to adjust. You can't rush that process.’
Brigid offers an insight into to why a baby or child will cry desperately when their parent drops them off at care, and then seems to recover straight away.
'Many parents come to the false conclusion that this is attention seeking, or they may believe the staff at the centre are lying about the child settling down.
'It is not "just an act". Most babies are used to their mum listening to them, so until the moment of separation the baby is desperately trying to get the mother to hear that they don't want them to leave. Until mum is gone there is still some hope.
'This is normal and appropriate attachment behaviour.'
Brigid also suggests parents think about how they bundle child care – for some children three straight days in care is too much. It can also be difficult for the child to adjust to too many different types of child care.
Brigid suggests keeping a weekly chart on the fridge with a photo of each caregiver on the relevant day of the week.
'By using the chart to show the child who is caring for them that day, the child knows their care is not an arbitrary thing. It's important they don't think that "mum just woke up and decided to send me to child care today".'
A good centre helps
Kristina, a Melbourne social worker and mother of three-year-old Lola, attributes a long settling in period and responsive child care centre staff as key factors in a positive child care experience. Read more about Kristina's experience of settling her child into care...
Tips
- Choose a carer you trust.
- If you can avoid it, don't return to work during a child's peak separation periods. Consult your Maternal and Child Health Nurse if you are unsure.
- Give yourself and your child plenty of time before starting work to settle your child into care in order for your child to form a relationship with their new caregiver.
- Choose a centre that does not make you feel you are imposing if you want to check on your child.
- Tell them Mummy or Daddy's always coming back. Give them a photo of you to have with them if it helps.
- Don't use child care as a threat or punishment.
- When settling never try to trick your child or sneak away.
- Have a chart up at home with photos of the caregiver on the day your child will be with them and talk them through the next day's care arrangement using the chart.
- Put aside at least half an hour each day to devote exclusively to your child.
- Listen to your child – persistent separation anxiety or verbalising of unhappiness about care means you might have to reconsider your care arrangements.
- If you have checked out child care before the baby is born, go back after the baby is born. Most parents find they have a different view of their needs and what's important once the baby has arrived.
- If you can, avoid starting your baby in child care in January when there are a lot of new children starting at that time and when settling-in time might not be available as many centres close over the holidays.
More information
Early Childhood Australia is a not for profit peak body for the care of children aged 0 to 8 years, has fact sheets and information on separation anxiety.
Raising Children Network is a government-supported website also has information and tips on dealing with separation anxiety.
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