The advice on this page has been provided by Relationships Australia.

Helena Deacon-Wood, a psychologist and counsellor with Relationships Australia (Victoria), says relationships can be placed under great stress if both parents do not prepare for and adapt to the changes brought about by a parent returning to paid work.

Share the housework

Helena points to the fact that ‘research shows that women are still responsible for a greater proportion of household chores than men.'

'Many women leave paid work to do still more work at home and this can quickly develop into a sense of unfairness.'

'Resentment from unequal workload at home combined with exhaustion can lead to further relationship breakdown because it often leads to a loss of intimacy in the relationship.’

John Gottman, relationship expert, warns men against adopting an attitude that housework is women’s work because to do so is a sign of disrespect to your partner. When we disrespect our partner, we are acting contemptuously toward them and contempt has been found to be the number one predictor of divorce.

Partners should consider how they will co-ordinate the roles and responsibilities once the partner who has been at home returns to work.

Don't neglect each other

Another stressor is the fact that many primary carers who work feel guilty about the time spent apart from their children or dependents and they try to compensate by being over involved with the children when they are home. This can affect the time spent on the couple relationship.

Failure to acknowledge the difficulties of the other partner’s role in the family is also a major cause of relationship stress.

For the primary carer, if their partner does not acknowledge the difficulty of juggling two roles, or if they are made to feel that their financial contribution is not as great, they are likely to feel hurt and unappreciated, despite making sacrifices for the sake of the family.

Often a competition emerges between the couple as to whose life is harder.

This type of thinking is not helpful in the context of the relationship because it emphasises the ‘I’ rather than the ‘We’.

There is often a sense that the other partner's life has not changed to the same degree as it has for the primary carer.

All couples in this situation need to talk about these issues in advance, work out who will do what, negotiate around differences, and most importantly put aside regular time as a couple, as a family and for oneself.

Tips to avoid relationship stress when returning to work:

• Clarify with your employer your hours, what’s possible and what isn’t possible in relation to your child (eg. if your child is sick, can you go and pick him or her up? Can you make up hours if something unexpectedly comes up?)

• If your children are school aged, work out in advance how school holidays will be managed. Who will take time off and when? Is there a local holiday program you can send them to?

• Work as a team to negotiate household tasks. Have these discussions when you are feeling close to one another not when you are feeling angry. Put forward tasks you would be happy to be responsible for. You may enjoy ironing while your partner loathes it. Listing your likes can be helpful in determining who does what. Be fair regarding tasks that you both find onerous. You could use the Home Roster to help you with this.

• Spend Friday nights discussing the weekend and how you will spend individual, couple and family time. This will ensure that everyone’s needs are met on a regular basis. Have fun! Parenting doesn’t always have to be hard work.

• Find ways to soothe yourself when you feel anxious, frustrated or irritable so that these feelings do not spill over into your relationship. Learn relaxation techniques if need be.

• Begin to say ‘no’ to requests that tax your energy rather than rejuvenate you. Saying ‘no’ is an example of good self-care and boundaries. We all need to set limits to avoid feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

• Ask for support from the people around you. Healthy relationships are about interdependence. Primary carers often express disappointment when family and friends don’t offer to help yet it is likely that if you ask them, they will assist. Have the courage to risk rejection. You will often be pleasantly surprised.

Tips for the other partner

For the partner who has not been at home caring for family members, their partner’s return to work can create stress that they did not foresee. They can prepare for this transition in many ways, including the following:

• if possible, reduce hours of work, particularly in the initial stages, to create extra capacity in the family to deal with the responsibilities at home.

• share the household duties, including child care.

• don’t withdraw from your partner. Make efforts to communicate, even when you feel like distancing yourself.

• repair attempts are integral to a good relationship. How do you repair after a disagreement with your partner? Do you offer them a cup of tea? Do you start chatting about something unrelated hoping that this will break the ice? Do you apologise? Saying you are sorry is an important act of goodwill.

• lower your expectations of your partner: be prepared for the fact that your partner will be tired. Remember that starting a new job or returning to a previous position will be associated with some anxiety – there may have been changes while your partner has been at home with your child and they are trying to find their place again in the scheme of things.

• be prepared for the fact that your partner may be experiencing some losses at this time. For example, mothers may have been breastfeeding and now needs to adapt to the fact that the breast milk needs to be supplemented with bottled milk. She may be dealing with the sadness that this triggers in her as well as experiencing some physical discomfort.

• listen before providing solutions; often your partner may just want to be heard and being a witness to their struggle may be enough.

• value your partner’s contribution to family life whether it is paid or unpaid.

• stay connected: couples do better in disagreements when there is a good bond between them. Show an interest in your partner. Ask about their day, find out about their hopes and dreams, fears and challenges. Really knowing your partner and what interests them is an important sign of caring.

• build up the deposits in your relationship bank to protect it through the hard times. Make cups of tea, go for walks, organise romantic opportunities.

• avoid negativity toward your partner. You need a balance of five positive comments to withstand one negative comment. That’s how damaging negativity is to a relationship.

Gaining support

Another big issue for many couples is when a primary carer's partner doesn’t want them to return to work.

Helena questions whether the couple has considered the costs and benefits of the carer returning to work. Benefits for the carer may be of an emotional nature rather than purely financial.

‘This is really about influence,’ Helena says. ‘Being interested in your partner, learning from them, respecting their opinion and sharing decision making are all examples of influence.’

'John Gottman found that where one partner resisted sharing power, the relationship was four times more likely to dissolve or continue unhappily than was the case in relationships where partners allowed themselves to be influenced.’

‘This finding suggests that if the carer wants to return to work but is hindered in doing so by their partner, then this will have future negative ramifications for the relationship.’

‘Most people want a partner who wants the best for them. Perhaps your partner has not realised how important it is for you to have an identity separate to being a carer or they do not appreciate the value of social interaction or your career to you.’

‘Express your feelings in a respectful way and if necessary see a couple therapist.’

References:

Gottman, J. (1998). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster: London.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for making marriage work. Weidenfeld & Nicholson: London.

More information is available on the Relationships Australia website.